the big one

my teacher says we have 17 more school days left,
to which my friend says "we're screwed, let's stop trying."
i think it is a way of forcing us to work more,
given that we hardly worked during the year.


i hate how everything is determined on the upcoming exams,
a lot people say that your enter doesn't matter
but then those people have already done their vce
and don't need to worry.
right now i'm feeling very indifferent about school,
there's a millions things going on
and i feel like i'm drifting through it all.
i'm immersing myself into the wrong things
and yet i can't help myself.


we're doing streetcar and exploring the concept of "whose reality?"
i was thinking what would happened
if i just created an alternative reality
and never leave it.
apart from the fact that i would be institutionalized,
i cannot grapple with the idea someone being in an alternative world,
what does it feel like?
and how would you be in the 'real' world?
sure you would look crazy to some people,
but maybe it is our pretentious perceptions that are crazy.
if i wanted to be in a fantasy world,
i would be in high school musical,
as in my life would be like that
as if i'm living in the movie.
i like being sheltered and happy and light-hearted,
but i guess that comes from the immature and childish nature of mine.
there's just too many horrific issues in the world,
and it seems like it's plunging into a decaying heap
where society has polluted it so much
that's nothing we can do but watch the unravelling of our actions.


i also decided that i want to be a Doctor,
i'm sorry i keep changing my mind,
and don't ask how i'm going to deal with the gory details,
i would like to work in the children's hospital,
it is emotionally and physically draining
but the rewards exceed everything.
being a dentist is also great,
but you don't have the same impact and contribution to society (no offence)
i hope i don't miserably fail umat
so i get a chance of being interviewed.
it would suck that i failed before i started.

fingers crossed i will stop changing my mind.


Love Squealer.